“My goldfish Blorb has seen me cry more than my therapist. I need him to care.”
🚿 The Story: Blorb, My Fishy Therapist
It’s 3AM. I’m stress-eating cold lasagna and staring into the tank where my goldfish, Blorb, is doing his 47th lap around the fake coral. He sees me. I see him. He blinks (maybe?). I wave. He swims faster.
“Blorb,” I whisper. “Do you love me, or do you just think I’m the magical burrito that rains pellets?”
No answer. Just bubbles.
And thus began my late-night spiral into the watery world of fish cognition, emotional betrayal, and possibly mild narcissism.
Let’s find out if Blorb is a loyal companion—or just a floating stomach with gills.
Do you love reading goofy history. Something like- That Time the U.S. Accidentally Invaded… Itself
🧠 Fish Brains: Small but Surprisingly Not Useless
Okay, first up: Are fish smart at all?
Turns out, yes—some fish are surprisingly clever for creatures that poop where they sleep.
- Goldfish, for example, can be trained to do tricks.
- Cichlids can recognize patterns and solve simple mazes.
- One archerfish even learned to spit at scientists who annoyed him. (I respect that fish.)
Their brains are obviously way smaller than ours, but they do have structures that resemble parts of the mammalian brain—like the telencephalon, involved in learning and memory.
🧠 Ned’s Metaphor Moment:
A fish brain is like a public library run by a stoner intern.
It’s small, poorly organized, but surprisingly functional when you give it a task like “recognize this face” or “remember where the food comes from.”
👀 Face ID: Fish Can Actually Recognize Faces (WHAT?!)
This is real.
In a 2016 study, archerfish were trained to recognize human faces on a screen. When shown 44 faces, they consistently spat water at the one they were trained to identify—with up to 81% accuracy.
Yes, that’s right.
A fish that can’t climb stairs or open a jar can still do better at recognizing people than your dad trying to tag people on Facebook.
🐠 Fish Fact Flash:
- Fish don’t have neocortexes (the brain area we use for face recognition).
- But they still use other brain regions to pull off this feat.
- So basically, fish are hacking the system. With fins.
🐟 But Wait… Do They Recognize You?
This is where it gets personal.
Do they recognize you, their beloved bubble-blowing roommate?
Here’s what we know:
- Goldfish can distinguish between different people based on visual cues like color, shape, and size.
- They respond differently to familiar humans vs. strangers—especially when it comes to feeding.
- Some fish appear to get excited when they see their “owner” walk into the room (aka the living food dispenser).
Don’t forget to read- Do Dogs Get Embarrassed When They Fart?
🧪 Ned’s Totally Scientific Home Test™:
- Walk into the room with snacks.
- Blorb zooms up like he’s training for the Fish Olympics.
- Walk in with empty hands.
- Blorb gives you side-eye and pretends to be busy.
Conclusion: Blorb knows who you are… but he’s also judging your snack delivery performance.
❤️ Do They Care, Though?
This is the slippery part. (Pun 100% intended.)
Fish don’t show affection the way dogs do. They don’t wag fins or give you nose boops. But they:
- Remember people
- Anticipate feeding times
- Show excitement via swimming patterns
And in some cases, they even show stress when separated from familiar humans or tankmates. That’s right—some fish may get sad when you ghost them.
🐟 Blorb Update:
I once left town for a week. My roommate said Blorb stayed at the bottom of the tank like a sulky underwater potato. When I came back, he did three backflips and headbutted the thermometer.
Coincidence? Maybe.
Love? I choose to believe.
🧪 Bonus: Ned’s Fishy Experiment Ideas
Here are some ridiculous but very real experiments I may or may not be conducting:
- Blorb vs. the iPad: Show Blorb a video of my face vs. Ryan Gosling’s. Track flipper enthusiasm.
- Silent Treatment Test: Go a day without talking to him and log his passive-aggressive bubble production.
- Surprise Snack Trial: Have a stranger feed him and count how many betrayal flares he launches.
None of these are peer-reviewed, but all are emotionally damaging. For me.
🧼 The Verdict: Is Blorb a Snack-Driven Sociopath?
Here’s what science (and my diary) says:
✔️ Fish can recognize individual humans
✔️ Some can even identify faces on a screen
✔️ They associate you with food—but may also respond to your presence emotionally
✔️ There’s evidence of memory, learning, and even stress or excitement linked to familiar people
So yes, Blorb knows me.
He may not love me like a golden retriever does…
But he probably thinks I’m The Tall Pink Fish That Brings Blessings—and honestly, I’ll take it.
🧪 Final Thought from Ned:
“If love is knowing where the snacks come from… then yes, Blorb loves me. And I love him back—even if he pooped on the thermometer again.”
📣 Subscribe for More Fishy Facts and Brain Gunk
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Also check out our chaotic sibling project, GiiggleGuru, where we explain history the way a caffeinated raccoon would.
