Codename: Operation FishForce One
Objective: Unlock the hidden driving potential of one of Earth’s dumbest pets
Subjects: One goldfish, one tank, and absolutely no license
Risk level: Minimal, unless you’re emotionally attached to your houseplants
Mission Briefing
If you’ve ever looked at a goldfish and thought,
“Yeah, that thing’s definitely got NASCAR potential,”
you’re either a visionary…
or sleep-deprived.
But here at Neds Lab, we like to ask the questions nobody dares ask at the pet store.
Like:
- Can goldfish recognize roads?
- Do they even know what “forward” means?
- Can we trust them with technology?!?
Spoiler: yes, kind of, and dear God, we hope not.
Because a goldfish actually drove a tiny tank. In real life.
This is not a joke. This is science.
(Okay, it’s science with sprinkles of chaos.)
The Goldfish Driver Project (No, Seriously)
Some researchers in Germany—possibly fueled by Red Bull and curiosity—created a robotic tank that can move based on where a goldfish swims.
It’s called the FOV – Fish Operated Vehicle.
🧠 Translation:
They strapped a camera and sensors to a motorized cart, and if the goldfish swims toward the left side of its aquarium, the entire cart turns left. If it swims forward? The cart moves forward.
The fish is literally piloting a tank.
A tank.
And after a few hours of training?
🚨 That fish drove. On land. Toward a target. Repeatedly.
Not by accident. Not just randomly flopping around.
But on purpose.
Like it was seeking out a treat. Like a dog. With gills. In a tank.
Let’s Talk Fish Brainpower
Most people think goldfish have the IQ of a crouton.
But science says: not quite.
Goldfish have been shown to:
- Remember things for months (not 3 seconds, that’s a myth)
- Navigate mazes
- Recognize patterns and shapes
- Learn associations (like food = sound = swim fast)
So when scientists decided to see if a fish could drive a tank?
Turns out, it didn’t just flop around like it was playing Mario Kart for the first time.
It actually learned.
Which raises a much more terrifying question:
How long before goldfish get Uber?
The Implications Are Hilariously Serious
Let’s break it down. If a goldfish can:
- Understand movement and direction
- Associate its own motion with external consequences
- Navigate toward rewards
Then this is rudimentary tool use.
And if you’re into psychology or evolution, you know that’s a big deal.
We used to think only “smart” animals like apes, parrots, or dolphins could do that.
But now?
Goldfish.
The same creatures that swim into their own bubbles like confused soup.
It suggests that:
- The fish brain is more flexible than we thought
- Navigation may not require a “higher brain” like mammals have
- Your pet fish might’ve been judging you this whole time
Real Quotes from Scientists (Who Did This Unironically)
Dr. Shachar Givon, one of the researchers behind the FishTankMobile™, said:
“It shows that goldfish have the cognitive ability to navigate outside of their natural environment.”
Another scientist added:
“If you give them the right interface, they can show off these abilities.”
Translation:
Fish aren’t dumb.
They just don’t have hands.
(And now we’ve given them wheels.)
Real-World Uses (Sort Of)
You might be thinking:
“This is cool and all, but… so what?”
Well here’s how scientists say this could be useful:
1. Studying animal cognition
It helps us compare learning between species with drastically different brains.
(Like us and… fish.)
2. Creating better AI
Understanding how simple organisms make decisions can influence how we train autonomous robots.
Your self-driving car might be more goldfish than Tesla.
3. Making science fun
Let’s be honest: a goldfish in a tank-shaped tank is the kind of science that makes kids want to be scientists.
Also:
It’s hilarious.
And sometimes, that’s enough.
The Actual Video Exists
Yes, there’s real footage.
A goldfish rolling across a lab floor like it just got accepted into Fast & the Furious 12: Fish Drift.
The video shows the fish making decisions, adjusting direction, and ignoring distractions.
Meanwhile, the researchers are probably in the corner eating popcorn and wondering if they created the next Pixar villain.
Cliffhanger: What Else Can Goldfish Do?
If we’ve underestimated goldfish for this long, what else are they hiding?
- Can they solve puzzles underwater?
- Could they drive in reverse?
- Will they eventually unionize and demand Wi-Fi?
We don’t know.
But at Brain Fart Lab, we’ll be watching.
(Not the fish. Just the science. We’re not creeps.)
If you’ve ever felt like you were going nowhere in life…
Just remember:
A goldfish drove a tank.
And it didn’t even have a driver’s license.
So go chase your weird dreams.
Preferably in a water-filled, four-wheeled mobile of your own design.
Because if a goldfish can learn to drive…
you can learn to do literally anything.
