A Ned Neuron Breakdown of Culinary Chemical Warfare
🧠 “Science isn’t always pretty. Sometimes it’s a stinky little bulb that turns your face into a waterfall.” — Ned Neuron
Why Do Onions Make You Cry?
Scene 1: The Kitchen Crime Scene
Picture this:
You’re happily chopping onions like a gourmet champion. The knife goes chop-chop. The skillet sizzles. Everything smells like victory.
And then — betrayal.
Your eyes start leaking like they just watched the end of Toy Story 3.
You blink. You sob. You curse the onion’s entire vegetable family.
Why?! What ancient evil lives inside this humble veggie?
Scene 2: Chemical Warfare Begins
Onions don’t want to hurt you.
Okay, maybe they do. Because inside every onion cell is a chemical booby trap—just waiting for you to slice it open like a fool.
Let’s break it down:
🧪 The Science Side (No Lab Coat Required)
Onion Cells Contain Two Key Things:
- An enzyme called alliinase
- Sulfur-containing compounds called sulfoxides
When You Cut an Onion:
You break open its cells.
Alliinase meets the sulfoxides.
They high-five and instantly form syn-Propanethial-S-oxide (fancy term for: tear gas in food form).
This Gas Evaporates → floats into your eyeballs → reacts with moisture → turns into a mild sulfuric acid.
Your Eyes Say “OH HECK NO”
So they make tears to flush it out.
And bam—you look like you just lost custody of your air fryer.
Scene 3: Fake Science Break – Onion Spy Agency
Imagine this:
A cartoon onion wearing sunglasses, whispering into a headset:
“Subject has initiated chopping. Release the gas. Operation Eye Rain is go.”
Each layer of the onion is like a secret file. Each slice is an act of war.
Their motto?
“We don’t cry. You cry.”
Scene 4: Why Are Some Onions Worse?
You’ve probably noticed red onions don’t make you sob as much as yellow ones. Why?
Because different onions have different levels of the sulfur compounds. It’s like comparing a water pistol to a fire hose of doom.
🧅 Mildest: Sweet onions (like Vidalia)
🧅 Medium cry: Red onions
🧅 Tactical nuke: Yellow onions
🧅 WHY IS MY FACE MELTING: Shallots (yes, those evil little things)
Scene 5: Solutions from Ned’s Lab (Mostly Useless but Funny)
Here are some ways people claim to stop the crying:
🧼 1. Chew Gum
Theory: Keeps you breathing through your mouth.
Reality: You’ll look like a weeping cow.
🕶 2. Wear Goggles
Theory: Block the gas.
Reality: Works—but you now look like a scuba-diving salad chef.
❄️ 3. Chill the Onion
Theory: Cold slows down the chemical reaction.
Reality: It helps… a bit.
🔥 4. Burn a Candle Nearby
Theory: The flame eats the gas.
Reality: Slightly effective. Also romantic, in a “crying-alone-with-a-burrito” way.
Scene 6: What’s the Real Point of This Onion Superpower?
Onions evolved this defense for survival. Animals (and humans) tend to avoid food that fights back.
So:
- Onions don’t want to be eaten.
- You try anyway.
- They cry you out of the kitchen.
Respect.
Scene 7: Imaginary Experiment (Featuring Dr. Bubbles McSnort)
Experiment Name: “The Onion Gauntlet”
🧪 Objective: Survive slicing 10 onions in 5 minutes without protection.
👨🔬 Subject: Dr. Bubbles McSnort, wearing a snorkel, ski goggles, and a fan.
📈 Results:
- Eyes: Flooded.
- Pride: Gone.
- Kitchen: Now smells like a gym sock wrapped in lava.
Conclusion: Never challenge the onions. You’ll lose.
Scene 8: The Takeaway
Next time you’re in the kitchen sobbing over stir-fry prep, remember:
You’re not weak.
You’re not emotional.
You’re simply under attack by a biochemical prankster in veggie form.
Onions cry not because they’re sad…
But because they’re savage.
Quote of the Day
“The only thing more emotionally manipulative than onions is my ex.”
— Also Ned Neuron, probably
